So Zogblog bumped me which notified me that I haven't posted in about 6 weeks. That's only semi surprising. So quick update before class starts.

1. I'm still working out.
2. I've lost about 20 pounds since I started dieting and working out 8 weeks ago.
3. My grandfather up north passed away 12 days ago and I was gone 3 days last week up north for the memorial service. He will be burried in Arlington with full military honors on Nov. 12th and we're waiting to see how that works out with me going up there.
4. yes that means me, mom, dad, and my sis were in a single hotel room for an entire 3 days. Yes we were sick of each other by the end of the time.
5. New guy in my life who's a swinger and a dom. Adventures on that front pending.
6. Lots of homework. Lots of animation. lots of fun stuff to play with
7. by animation I mean hand animating something frame by frame
8. got back into town and got sick
9. in serious periodical pain today
10. ummmmm other than that and being moved into the small room in the house I guess all's well.

You know, I've spent a long time convincing myself that Tenchi loves me for more than just my body and the sexual gratification it gives him but recent events have started to shed light on the fact that maybe that's not so true. It's frustrating, it hurts a lot, and it's confusing as well as baffling. Could I really have been fooling myself tit'his whole time? Or is this just his first reaction to what he feels is a toy being taken away from him because he played too rough with it? There's a tiny piece of me that wonders if this is a top layer of a deeper emotion and reaction that he doesn't want to admit/doesn't recognize/is attempting to figure out, but it's one I highly doubt.

I hope he comes around but I'm not sure how high of hopes I'm holding for that. I'm also starting to see some of his actions in a different light and it's been giving me a lot to think about. It's not that I no longer love him or want to be friends; it's more like admitting it's time to sit down and talk to him bluntly about what I've been putting off for a while already.

Ugh. What a way to start a Friday. I had a really hard time getting up at 7am this morning though I did it, I haven't eaten yet which is probally a good thing since my stomache has decided to wreck havoc on me this morning, and I just found out that apparently there are issues with my finanacial aid so I can't get my books til that is settled and I needed one for class today. *sighs* The teacher will be cool with it but it's still frustrating! Good news is this class is only going to have two large projects in them and it looks like I'll have at least 4 or 5 weeks for both. This is good news following my Wendsay class in which I am going to be stressfully swamped with work.

Guess thats what I get for thinking it'd be reverse.

So I'm on my second quarter working towards my degree in Computer Animation and I kept meaning to post stuff about it before but it never happened. As is I'm in my class of the day waiting for the teacher to arrive right now (looks like students aren't the only ones who have a hard time waking up in the mornings hehee). I finally emailed myself the pics I took of my last project from last quarter in Graphic Design.( And here it is.... )

I hate these. Not so much because of the fact I'm sick and need to go in as the whole I'm an incredibly hard stick part. I look like a heroine addict as Kim and Eric have so kindly put it. Sadly I have to agree. I'm covered in little holes and bruises with track marks. It's stressful seeing as when I go in in these cases I'm already feeling like crack and dehydrated (adding to their problems with trying to stick me), which means I get dizzy and dilusional fast when under stress which the stabbing does.

Was worse this time than normal. The lab kept saying there was something wrong with the blood they were getting from me so they had to keep resticking me. Now this may not sound like a big deal once they get meds and ivs in me but it really is for me. My veins in my arms are very deep and they're also quite small, collaspe easily, and roll. The veins in my hands are a bit bigger and are defnitly easier to spot but they roll as well too. In both cases this means that normal protocol for sticking me is stab and dig. Sometimes the digging part isn't so bad and can be dealt with; but let me tell you, when they're digging away and they start touching nerves with a metal needle.... oh the pain comes out, baby does it come. It's at about that point that my attempts at talking myself through things, ("It's ok Jean, let them dig they're just doing their job... breath in...  ok well you just sort of breated out instead of in .... breathe out,  he knows what he's doing just let him move the needle til he gets it breathe in, breathe out"), to ok THAT hurts. I used to twitch my arm when it started hurting that bad but I'm not sure whether or not it's a good thing that I just now calmly tell them that thats starting to really hurt and could they please pull it out now?  (I just realized how dirty that sounds hehee)


So I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say in this entry. I just felt like sharing my pain with y'all so to speak. I went in Monday bc I started throwing up and couldn't stop (this has been happening to me since 2005 now... every.single.time.I.throw.up.it's annoying) as well as other unpleasent stuffs coming outa other ends at the same time. I get dehydrated very fast when this happens because the puking really does not stop for more than 10 mins at a time and then when it starts up again goes for at least half an hour and the entire time I can't hold down a single drop of water. After about 5 hours of this I know that I'm in trouble and need to seek help though I tell them it's been happening longer.

Was just a tummy flu as far as they can tell (they always say that too btw), and it probally was since Tenchi had one last weekend and I went to take  care of him for a night. The problem for me is that I don't recover like most people do. I went into the hospital on Monday and they realeased me early Tuesday. Since then I haven't been able to eat anything other than liquids and bread. Yesterday and today I've managed to keep down pudding cups (mom was cool enough to get me plenty upon request for some flavor) and a couple of chicken nuggets (not McD's). I think I'm loosing weight though whoever above knows I'd prefer not this way, especially since I never feel hungry and the lack of proper nutrition leaves me with a consistant headache.

Good news is that I was sent home with the really, really good antinausea medication that knocks me out in 2 mins or less for at least 5 hours no matter how hard you try to wake me up. The bad news is that they're rectal suppositories. >.< Oh well, they're making it so I can actually eat things other than liquids so I'm happy, and I don't always need to use em. Still have to take it real easy though which is frustrating since I'm a fairly active person. Getting a lot of reading done though! 

My last week of the quarter is next week! It's so wierd but i enjoyed it!!! :D Final projects due so I need to get crackalackin!

Saw District 9 today. It rocked. Go see it. Wouldn't say it's worth paying for IMAX but that is only bc of how the story is portrayed and that I personally think an IMAX screening would detract from the movie. It kicks butt. Go see it :D

So my car was broken into yesterday (Thursday) while I was at a friends apartment complex. I'm fine and they didn't damage my car that I've found out so far. They made a bit of a mess on the inside but considering how it looked before; wasn't much difference. But I filed a report with a cop that was already there (turned out they hit a few people's cars in the same small area) and then did an more thorough check when I got home.

The grand total of losses?
5 bucks in change
1 box of tampons
1 map of Tampa

So.... I'm guessing it was a couple of girls, lost in Tampa, who needed change for the toll roads. I can't even get cool thiefs.....

Good news was that they didn't take my radio, cds (which I'm not sure is good or pathetic....), stuffed animal traveling buddies, lingerie, or my deoderant and razors in the trunk.The cop however learned something about me that I didn't find out til later.... When I found out my car had been broken into I called my friend and had him come check out his car too. He then came over to see if I was ok. The cop asked what time I'd gotten there to get a time table and I told him about 3:30 in the morning. I couldn't figure out why he gave me a look and why my friend looked like he was about to die laughing..... Until that is I went to see Kim a couple hours later and she informed me of the very large and very obvious hickey on my neck.....Do the math y'all.

I texted my "friend" and asked if he'd known. His answer? "Haha. I know ;) I was looking at it when we were talking to the [cop]. He probally saw them both of us. coupled with the knowledge that you arrived after 3am, and was like damn lol"

Yes thats right.... and his is bigger haha1!!!

So we got off work really early today which was kind of nice. I'm hoping we don't get screwed for it the rest of the week though. I'm working up in Holiday, (one of the wierdest names for a city I've heard especially as this place is the last place I'd wanna take a holiday in) this week which is about an hour from mom's house. It' kind of a nice drive since majority of it is on faster roads and they're all open countryside for the most part. There's also very little traffic going both ways which is always a plus.

Since it's so secludedish and also is countryish I saw something today I haven't seen in Florida before; a coyote. He was crossing the road at a leisurely pace. I slowed down for him...beautiful creature though. I'm betting he was after the chicken that had just crossed too but I missed seeing. :P

There was a moment when I looked in the mirror and by chance saw not me... but a wet haired towell wrapped beauty that he sees.

1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No.
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone asks. Believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming- nothing is exactly as it seems.

Been arrested? --- No Kissed someone you didn't like? --- Yes Slept in until 5 PM? --- Yes Fallen asleep at work/school? --- Yes Held a snake? --- Yes Ran a red light? --- Yes Been suspended from school? --- No Experienced love at first sight? --- No Totaled your car in an accident? --- Yes Been in a vehicle at more than 100 mph? --- Yes Driven a vehicle at more than 100 mph? --- Yes Been fired from a job? --- Yes Fired somebody? --- No Sang karaoke? --- Yes Pointed a gun at someone? --- No Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? --- Yes Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? --- Yes Caught a snowflake on your tongue? --- Yes Kissed in the rain? --- Yes Had a close brush with death (your own)? --- Yes Ever feared for your life? --- Yes Seen someone die? --- No Played spin-the-bottle? --- No Sang in the shower? --- Yes Smoked a cigar? --- No Sat on a rooftop? --- Yes Taken pictures of yourself naked? --- Yes Smuggled something into another country? --- No Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? --- Yes Broken a bone? --- No Skipped school? --- No Eaten a bug? --- Yes Sleepwalked? --- Yes Walked a moonlit beach? --- Yes Rode a motorcycle? --- Yes Dumped someone? --- Yes Forgotten your anniversary? ---Yes Lied to avoid a ticket? --- No Ridden on a helicopter? --- No Shaved your head? --- No Played a prank on someone? --- Yes Hit a home run? --- No Felt like killing someone? --- Yes Cross-dressed? --- Yes Been falling-down drunk? --- No Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? --- Yes Eaten snake? --- No Marched/Protested? --- Yes Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? --- No Puked on amusement ride? --- No Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? --- No Been in a band? --- No Knitted? -- Yes Been on TV? --- Yes Shot a gun? --- No Skinny-dipped? --- Yes Gave someone stitches? --- No Eaten a whole habenero pepper (or other hot peppers)? --- No Ridden a surfboard? --- No Drank straight from a liquor bottle? --- Yes Had surgery? --- Yes Streaked? --- No Taken by ambulance to hospital? --- Yes Passed out when not drinking? ---No Peed on a bush? --- Yes Donated Blood? --- Yes Grabbed electric fence? --- No Eaten alligator meat? --- No Eaten cheesecake? --- Yes Eaten your kids' Halloween candy? --- No Killed an animal when not hunting? --- No Peed your pants in public? --- Yes Snuck into a movie without paying? --- No Written graffiti? --- Yes Still love someone you shouldn't? --- Yes Think about the future? --- Yes Been in handcuffs? --- Yes Believe in love? --- Yes Sleep on a certain side of the bed? --- Yes Have a tattoo? --- No Have a piercing(s) --- Yes

Sound!!!! I finally have speakers again. My old ones connected to my computer via USB port and I somehow managed to mess up the usb connection on the speakers side. I'm glad it wasn't on the tower side for obvious reasons. Anyway I mentioned it to dad about a week ago and he was too busy to go digging through his stuff for extra speakers but a couple days ago he brought some over to me. He wasn't sure they'd work as they're old and only have an output port but he said if they didn't let him know. I was a little busy/lazy the last couple days but I plugged 'em in tonight and walah! They work. They don't produce a lot of sound as they're old style and sorta low quality but they work enough for now. It's so nice to have sound back on my computer!!! I can listen to music on it while I mess with things again!!! :D It's the little things you know?

In other news... is it just me or are the spotlights this week really lame?

Well darn... If no one had gone to check on her Darwinism woulda taken another victim!

He said "when you're here I feel like your my girl" and it made me feel so good; but I'm so scared and can't tell him I feel the sane back.

I save way too much stuff.... old im from Eric... obviouslly not one of our better days.

Lost N Confused says:
you know you have some serious issues. you can't have me in the house when 
you "study" you kick me out when you wanna clean.... this is starting to 
make me wonder. you need to get your shit straight. you don;t seem to 
understand that i work my ass off, literally!!! i don';t count school as 
part of the work schedule, but i do know that it does add more stress to 
your life. STOP, THINK, UNDERSTAND
Lost N Confused says:
WHERE I COME FROM!!!
Lost N Confused says:
i dunno what to do anymore. i gotta walk on egg shells around you most the 
time now
Lost N Confused says:
that ain;t cool
Lost N Confused says:
you have been pushing me away alot lately, and don't blame it on school 
either, or school work. im more stressed then normal lately cause i have 
been doing alot more then i should be at work so that i can make more then 
enough money for the bills and to TRY to make it so i got something left so 
that me and you can go do something nice
Lost N Confused says:
i try and it ain;t good enough for you anymore. when it is good enough for 
you let me know so that i can surpass that point and hopefully not kill 
myself in the process
Lost N Confused says:
right now im literally killing myself at work, im doing the job of 3 ppl. 
and not to mention lifting way more then i should be
Lost N Confused says:
all so that me and you can have a better life. when that point hits, tell 
me, i wanna know when im finally doing something "right" for a change
Lost N Confused says:
change the ways you do things or you may end up loosing me to work. i will 
start a 2nd job so that im never home if it keeps up the way it has been

Old emails from Eric part 2:

Sent: Mon 6/23/08 7:28 AM

there is a letter attached. read it. then do as you like. i will not fight for anything anymore. read it, then tell me to go away or stay. the choice is yours. you will notice the name first i would imagine. like i said before, the choice is yours.

There are a thousand things I want to say to you right now. And I don’t know how to say any of them. You say I shattered your dreams, you say I choose to do this to us. How can you sit there and tell me that you did not see that we were falling apart? How can you sit there and tell me that you did not know that we were losing our future? What makes you think that I don’t care about you? I love you with all my heart but it is time to let go. You went off and fucked someone already, then you go off and tell me that in doing that you now know that you are over me. Then you turn around and tell me, neigh, blame me for everything between us?! Who the fuck do you think you are?! Where the hell do you get the balls to pull this shit with me? When I was with you I was faithful, even though I did have some temptation I still did not stray. Yet you still to this day hang that shit over my head to make ME feel bad. But yet you FUCKED SOMEONE AND THEN LIED TO ME ABOUT IT!!! AND THEN SAID YOU ARE OVER ME!!!! How the fuck do you think that makes me feel? How do you think I will react to that???? I am done playing this game.  You will not lay that guilt trip on me no longer.  I will not let it happen. Not ever again. If you do truly love me then let me go. I have no choice but to do the same. Hate me if you must. At least I know the truth behind those eyes. You said you needed to get away from me totally, well here is your chance. If you don’t talk to me anymore then I fully understand. But you will not turn people against me, I would not do that to you so I expect you to have enough guts to do the same. Show this to who you wish. This is my goodbye.

 

 

What was once yours but is now gone.

 

Eric A. Salsburg

Stop wanting me for my body; start wanting me for me.

"I'll stop sleeping with Jean. I'll break all ties with Jean. Just sleep with me."
"You're not really a part of that core group that I talk about everything with anymore."
"I keep you around for the history and the entertainment value."

This is why I keep my distance from everyone. This is why I pushed them away before. This is why I don't open up.

This fucking HURTS!

Well. That's it. I'm done. Just have to sit in class tonight and turn this paper in, get my results back for my ethnography, and the semesters done except for waiting for grades. I just got done my essay exam for class tonight, (about 4 hours work total... typing take about 2 hours.. I'm getting a little efficient at this nay? consider that we were given 2 weeks for a reason), and I'm relived. I don't think it's entirely hit be yet... just wait.... lol

I also already did the basic math for my classes and generally it looks like I'll be passing each one with at the least a B maybe. I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed on that one as you never know and I'm not about to count my grades before they're set in technological ink!

Now I want to do tonight and then celebrate... I just have no idea how I want to do that latter part!

Wow. So I can't believe it. I'm almost done with the semester. And then I'll be getting my degree from HCC will will officially be done with school for now... least til possibly next semester. But damn, it's taken 6 years to get here. I'm trying to stay positive because it is an accomplishment even though it's just my associates and not my Bachlor's like my family keeps pointing out. But you know, I didn't go about taking courses the normal way like most people do so I'm still proud of myself.

I have officially turned in everything excecpt my last exam for Cultural Anthropology which I'm working on right now. I took a break from it to compelete the last of my Graphic Design classwork and it's due tonight at 6pm so so far I'm on schedule. Wow. I've taken three final exams today online, turned in a final portfolio for Creative Writing class, and now I'm finishing up my Cultural Anthropology classwork like i mentioned. I'd already done the other 4 assignments for Graphic Design, the 3 that were due for Game Design, and the really big Ethnography for Cultural Anthropology that was due 2 Thursdays agp. All while working fucked up schedules and hours the last two weeks.

I've been so busy lately between schoolwork and just work and the tiny bit of life I've managed to slip in here and there that I'm not sure what's going to happen to me tomorrow. I might go into withdraw! O.o Won't have excuses not to talk to annoying guys who won't get the hint either. Gah. Oh well.  I will have more time to work and I'm gonna start some preemptive planning for my summer vacation too.